Do You Sleep Anymore?

We Both fell asleep on the floor, but I left you there

You spent so many days alone, so I'll kill myself to make things fair

See I just hated being tired cause I can't seem to sleep anymore

You and all your friends were all right about me all along

Do you sleep anymore?

//Citizen//

(This is a banner that is hanging on the wall of my bedroom that is surrounded by very pretty christmas lights. The first photo I took using a regular auto white balance. In the second photo I used a gray card which had such an unusual effect on the lighting in the photo. I've been so tired lately; homework, stress or just simply my mind is running at a million miles per second with thoughts about the world would usually be the cause of these sleepless nights. I chose this for it kind of reminds me of when I can't sleep at night. I'll be so restless I will do nothing but stare at the lights hanging on my wall. Eventually I'll grow so tired those lights become weird to me; a mirage; almost like they're changing colors.)

Reckless

"I remember every night that we spent on the edge,

The cold warmth and the bitter taste that it left

Young, dumb, carefree and reckless,

But there's some method to the madness"

Losing Teeth // Neck Deep

(Lets just say this weekend I let out a good amount of my aggression using a broken television, a brick, and a fast shutter speed)

The Asylum

So tired, so tired of showing Love so deep
That most aren’t even willing to feel
See what I’ve seen
Open your eyes and recognize that this is real
This season brings darkness so profound
I’ve become lost and can’t seem to be found
Contorted, racked with pain
I know should feel free, yet I continue to sing this sad refrain
I can’t sleep and food has lost its taste
God, I’m so sick of this place

This Loneliness Won't Be The Death Of Me // Being As An Ocean

                      (These are photos of an old abandoned asylum that I visited this weekend)

Ghost

"I spend a lot of time above water. 
In fact, I spend most of my time in my room. 
Lately that's made me wonder 
if I've given up on trying to be someone new. 
Because I don't like who I see, 
each morning when I look in the mirror. 
In fact it's the only thing I fear, 
that I'm empty inside these bones. 
I'm not scared of ghosts, 
I embrace them all as friends, 
because one day I'll be dead, 
and they will know my name. 
So I've been counting down my life, 
existing in hours, 
to see what I have left. 

If I see 25, i'll be surprised. 
If I see 32, I'll take every letter I wrote to you 
and bury them alive. 
If I see 44, well I haven't thought that far." 

Sorority Noise // Nick Kwas Christmas Party

(This is a photo of my friend Jeff. I used a daylight white balance to take this photo. I love this photo and every time I look at it I'm reminded of the song lyrics shown above.)

Shake the Dust

"This? This is for you. Make sure that by the time fisherman returns you are gone. Because just like the days, I burn both ends and every time I write, every time I open my eyes I am cutting out a part of myself to give to you.

So shake the dust and take me with you when you do for none of this has ever been for me. All that pushes and pulls, pushes and pulls for you. So grab this world by its clothespins and shake it out again and again and jump on top and take it for a spin and when you hop off shake it again for this is yours. Make my words worth it, make this not just another poem that I write, not just another poem like just another night that sits heavy above us all. Walk into it, breathe it in, let is crash through the halls of your arms at the millions of years of millions of poets coursing like blood pumping and pushing making you live, shaking the dust.

So when the world knocks at your front door, clutch the knob and open on up, running forward into its widespread greeting arms with your hands before you, fingertips trembling though they may be." 

[Anis Mojgani - Shake the Dust]

(This weekend I visited my best friend after 3 months of her being away at college. I was about 7 hours away from where I originally live but even though I was far, I never felt so at home. I feel as though my hometown has kept me grounded. It's the place where I grew up, but soon I want to break free and find more adventures somewhere else. I have truly realized that I can't stay here forever. One day I will leave the place that is making me feel so grounded and I will finally feel free and at peace with myself. One day I will Shake the Dust.)

Yellow Love

Be mine.
Shake up my love.
Yellow night has had enough.
It's been out way too long.
I see nothing but yellow love.

Be mine.
Pull me in two.
I will mold myself just for you.
The night is vivid for once,
Still I see nothing but yellow love.

All I feel is celestial desire.
A distant joy is dancing all around me. 
All I see is yellow in the spring air.
How beautifully the color worked itself in.

(I took this photo using a daylight white balance. I feel as thought it is a perfect representation of depth of field. When I took this picture it reminded me of one of my favorite songs  "Yellow love" by one of my favorite bands citizen)

Sixteen

"Just when I think I need someone,
They wrap their arms around my old bones 
And I start breaking apart
I walk away from anyone that cares about me
But I swear my skin's not as rough as I make it out to be
The saddest part is I've been distant since I was sixteen
It keeps me up in bed
I'm stuck here with all the choices I've made  
And the chances I was too afraid to take." -Real Friends

(I used the daylight white balance setting when I took this photo of my three voodoo dolls that I have had ever since I was a kid. The above quote is just one of the many beautiful lyrics from one of my favorite bands; Real Friends. The lyrics above come from their song Sixteen which is about being lonely and wanting someone to hold and go through the night with but when life gives you that someone you get mixed feelings of not being good enough, and so it drives that someone away. When I took this photo the first thing I thought of was this song. I chose to upload this photo because it really coincides with the song and it reminds me of myself because I'm very distant from everyone which makes me come off as a mean individual when in reality I'm not like that at all. It's very hard when you constantly feel like you're never good enough for anyone or anything. It's kept me from so many great opportunities and making so many new friends but I was just too scared of failure or rejection; and it's only left me with a mountain of regrets.)

Misunderstandings

I admire every aspect of a cat. This little creature is not only adorable, but I also find them to be very uplifting. Their care free attitude and their constant slumbering always keeps me in a relaxed state of mind. I find these furry little felines to be very therapeutic in my part; but people misunderstand cats; saying that cats are not fun or outgoing and are most of the time very spiteful. In my opinion, I think that it's very sad that this is the overall opinion of cats. It doesn't seem fair that most people see cats as only being hateful. Despite their short temper, there is such a gentle nature to cats. Such curious creatures, it's an entirely different world if you take the time to admire them. (This is a photo of my cat Ruhpert. I took this photo by a window so I could have natural light coming down on him. I have had this cat for exactly 8 years and in those 8 years he has taught me something very important; staying positive and ignoring any negative vibes that may come your way. People misunderstand cats as being very hateful; but my cat is the complete opposite of that. He is loving, gentle, and the happiest cat you could ever know of. Despite all the misunderstandings of cats, he stays positive. He teaches me that people may misunderstand you for being something you're not; ignore them. Just keep your head up and keep doing you. Nobody will ever change you into something you're not. Just stay true to who you are. Think positive. Think like a cat.

Mood:

My head spins. It twists and turns uncontrollably and it almost never stops. It hurts both mentally and physically. It only spins when i'm feeling certain emotions; anger, sadness, confusion, stress. These emotions tend to collide with each other and start a war in my mind leaving me with a powerful headache and a sorrowful feeling in my stomach. It's almost as if these emotions are unstoppable; living inside my head and always getting tangled up in each other. It's no wonder I am tired; I stay up for hours trying to sort my thoughts out but instead I get lost in  them. I only wonder if anybody else get's lost in their own thoughts and emotions. (This is a photo of my boyfriend. I took this photo using a slow shutter speed and a tripod to keep the background still but the subject blurry. I chose this photo to post on my blog because I feel it is a perfect representation of how I have been feeling for the past 2 weeks. Stressed, confused, anxious, and many other feeling bombarding my thoughts leaving me with a spinning merry go round of a head. It's been very hard trying to pull myself together lately and with all the weight I was carrying on my shoulders it felt as though I would never be able to. But I feel as though I am getting better. I feel as though I am gaining control of my life again and getting my head sorted out. I just needed a little time and a little hard work in order to put myself back together.)

A new home

This is a wooded area that is fairly close to where I live. To others it may just seem like an ordinary cluster of trees, but every time I visit here I somehow manage to find a sense of comfort. Whether it be I need to find inspiration for my next photography project, a place to think, or even just a place to simply venture off in i'll always have this wooded area just a block away from me. When I need to escape the sadness that may occur in my own home, I treat this place as my new home and all the sadness disappears. It's a big maze of trees that I often find myself getting completely lost in but I never worry because I know that as long as I am away from whatever is troubling me I know I will be okay. I love this place more than anything. To me, I see this place more than just the woods; I see it as a second home. I chose these photos to post on my blog because every time I look at them I get a very warm and happy sense of feeling which is perfect because I want those who see this post to understand the joy that this place brings me. Which brings me to the main topic of this post; find your place, whether it be at a party, a beach, or a forest. Find a place that makes you feel comfortable and happy. It's important to find your niche where you feel the most safe.

Lost Flower

Hello! I'm Victoria. You can call me Vicky. Welcome to my blog! I am 18 years old and majoring in photographic imaging and I aspire to become a concert photographer. I created this blog because it was given to me as an assignment from my photography seminar class; but I don't see this blog as an assignment. I see it as the perfect opportunity to share my work with other people. When it comes to photography, I like to express my feelings and inner most thoughts and put meaningful messages into visual representations. I wish to help and inspire others through the work I create. I've been through a lot of difficulties in my life that I'm still trying to overcome; and it is very clear to me that many others are going through the same thing. Depression, self-loathing, anxiety, paranoia, loneliness; we've been through it all. They can tend to make one feel as though they have nobody and that they are the only ones who feel like this. With this blog, I not only want to get credit for doing my homework, but I want to help others. I want to share my thoughts and my outlook on life. I chose this photo as my first post because I feel as though it describes me. This photo is of a small, lone flower sitting on top of a wooden chair that is much bigger than the flower. Ideally a flower would be happily growing from the ground; the ground being it's home and where it rightfully belongs. But the flower isn't home. Instead it's lost and doesn't feel at home. I feel as though the flower in the photo is me. I'm lost in this big world and I don't know how to get home. It's hard being so small and having the feeling that you're not able to help yourself. But I know with a little hard work and patience I'll find where I truly belong. We're all trying to find our way home. We're all lost in this world; but we're not alone. We're never alone. We just have to keep going until we feel truly comfortable with ourselves.